The Politics of Lesbians' Choosing Motherhood

"In the event of separation -- I don't just mean from lovers but from friends too -- women have gone through a lot of pain because they were close to a woman and her child. If the person moves or their relationship doesn't work out, the woman doesn't have that child in her life anymore and feels a big loss. It's important to figure out a way for the child, if she really likes this person, to still spend time together. Society doesn't take relationships with children seriously unless you happen to be the parent. Another concern of mine is that if I don't like a certain child, then it's assumed I don't like children. There's a part of me that feels like it's not o.k. to not like some children." "I'm concerned about certain assumptions we're making about the sexuality of the children of lesbian-feminists. My coming out occurred in the feminist movement, a political environment, that was not only accepting of lesbian-feminism but strongly encouraging of it. It wasn't just a friend or two who said it was o.k. It was a culture which contradicted the heterosexuality of the dominant society. I worry when I hear lesbians say, `It's fine with me whether my daughter is a lesbian or a heterosexual.' If we believe, as I do, that lesbianism is a political choice, why wouldn't we want our children to make the same one? (Not that we should reject them if they don't.) How would it affect our daughters if we assumed, or tried to, that they would be lesbians? I'm realistic enough to know the strength of the heterosexual world and of teenage rebellion and don't think kids make particularly good recruits, but what I'm really interested in looking at is what not making a lesbian assumption means about us as adult lesbian-feminists. After all, heterosexual parents certainly assume and encourage, with lots of help from the outside world we don't have, in all sorts of conscious and unconscious ways their children's heterosexuality, usually with excellent results." "There's a tremendous difference between having a positive attitude about being a lesbian and what you actually communicate to your child. I'm not out in every single situation and a child feels at an early age that Mommy's not quite comfortable in this situation. They pick up the signals that we're keeping secrets. Another problem is when you say I don't mind what happens to my daughter -- it's fine for her to be involved with boys -- and then you actually get to when she's 15 or 16 and you're trying to impart your valu